High school is hard enough in a normal public environment. SUCCESS makes public school look a million times more desirable. Some of you may know exactly what I mean.
Right off the bat, SUCCESS was a disaster. Apart from the horrendous uniforms, I was an 89 pound girl surrounded by the toughest crowd in town. Anyone who’s knows me is aware of how sensitive I am. I’m a crier, it’s what’s I do best. These kids, they could smell weakness and I wore it like perfume.
Of course even though my fear was obvious, it didn’t stop me from trying to act tough. I was determined to not be so fragil. I was not going to be walked all over. My main tormenter? A boy twice my size. His name was Tyler.
Tyler was the petty bully you think of in kindergarten. You know, the ones who pull your hair, call you names, and believe it makes them cute in some way? Usually I would shrug it off but in my 14 year old mind, I had something to prove. I can’t quite recall what exactly he said but I know I went belligerent. I tuned around and popped him dead in the center of his face. He grew quiet and gave me a half confused, half angry look. Then, he grabbed my arm, gave it a twist, and held me on the ground while I pleaded with him to get off. I honestly thought he was going to break it. Next, the officer walks in. Now I know I’m in trouble.
He calls us to the principals office. “My dad’s going to kill me,” I thought to myself. I wish he had to be honest because this is where I met the guy who manipulated me better than anyone ever has. Even to this day.
After speaking to the principal, I received a 3 day suspension. I was then immediately sent to the ISS room to wait for my father to arrive. I walked in and took a seat in the very back next to a handsome young man named Evan.
He was beautiful. I remember not being able to keep my eyes off him. He had blonde hair that covered his eyes but yet at the same time I could see how blue they were. If you stared into them too long I swear you’d mistake them for the summer sky. He had these gorgeous, full lips that surrounded the small gap in between his two front teeth and a chiseled nose that seemed to intensify these intriguing features. I can easily remember the sad and lost look on his face that reminded me of myself. I should have known I was getting myself into trouble.
I think he could feel me gazing at him when he shot me a crooked smile. I’m sure the look of embarrassment ran across my face as he gave me a small giggle. My heart was racing. I wanted to introduce myself but I didn’t know how to speak to a boy. I had never even had my first boyfriend yet. I turned away but now I could feel him staring at me.
My dad finally arrived and as I stood up to exit the room, he slid a small folded piece of paper into my pocket. Trying to play it cool, I acted as if I didn’t notice, but in reality, butterflies were soaring in my stomach. When I reached the hallway I quickly grabbed the note and unfolded it. It was his number and yes, I was the typical giddy teenage girl who felt like she just won the lottery. I couldn’t stop myself and wasted absolutely no time texting him.
Our texts mostly contained asking each other questions back and forth in order to get to know each other better. A couple of days into texting each other day and night, I learned that he was 18. This striked me as odd considering I was only 14 but I ignored all the red flags and decided to pursue a relationship with him.
With this being my very first relationship, my priorities were out of wack. I was not mature enough to handle grades and having a boyfriend who was much older than me. School became my last concern and my grades quickly started deteriorating. I was failing nearly every class and honestly didn’t really care at the time. Everything else took a back seat to Evan.
With our age difference my father didn’t approve of us seeing each other which made everything more difficult and took a lot of sneaking around. I was sleep deprived as the only way I could see him was to sneak out in the middle of the night. At this time though, I was still a virgin. Sex crossed my mind plenty of times, but I knew I wasn’t near ready or mature enough to be doing it. Evan had other ideas though. I remember every time the topic of sex was brought up, he’d tell me that the only way to make a relationship last was not only an emotional connection but also a physical connection. With him being much older, I believed him.
The day came and I promise my body to him. I convinced myself that I was prepared to give the most sacred part of myself to a man whom I barely knew, as if someway this could replace the memories of my childhood abuser. Maybe if I gave this part of myself to Evan, I could pretend my step dad never did what he had done. So I let him fuck me.
I never knew how bad it would hurt. The entire time I was thinking, “how could anyone enjoy this?” The pain was so intense that I just knew I was bleeding all over my bed. To my relief that wasn’t the case but the physical pain didn’t even compare to the emotional pain I felt. I can never forget crying afterwards. Hating myself because my virginity was the last piece of my childhood I had left. I wanted so badly to take it back. I didn’t know the emotional pain would get much, much worse.
A few weeks later my report card came in the mail and not surprisingly I had mostly D’s. My dad was reasonable on a lot of things but grades was not one of them. He knew as well as I did that the relationship I was involved in was the reason. My punishment? I could not see or speak to Evan ever again unless my next report card showed some improvement. I lost it. I had just given the most important part of myself to this boy and with that came attachment and my emotional well-being could not handle this.
I laid in bed for weeks crying. I knew my dad didn’t understand the kind of hurt I felt as he had no idea I lost my virginity to this young man but yet I hated him. I wanted so badly to make his life a living hell and what I did next, achieved just that.
Now keep in mind that at age 14, I had never driven a car before. I had absolutely no experience behind the wheel of any vehicle but one night, I grabbed my father’s keys and snuck out my window. I was very quiet entering the car. I sat in the driver’s seat for a few minutes to gather my thoughts on just what was happening. After giving myself a small pep talk, I started the engine and was on my way to Evans house.
To be continued